You were not meant to do life completely alone. Even when God created the earth, He saw Adam and thought to Himself, “It is not good for Man to be alone.” We literally were created with genuine relationships in mind.
But that doesn’t automatically mean romantically. Relationships are essential in any context, including professional, social, and family.
However, finding and maintaining genuine relationships is no easy task.
Socializing has changed so much over the last decade, with things like COVID, addiction to social media, and work-from-home employment (as much as I’d love to work from home…). Meeting people has become so much more difficult.
And even if you do meet someone, it takes time to see whether that person is real or fake. We both had to learn that lesson personally, including with each other!
There is hope; genuine relationships do exist, and you don’t have to struggle to find them!
Today, we’ll help you in your search by providing 4 secrets to finding and maintaining genuine relationships. Maybe our story will give you some inspiration, too!
How Britani and Davon Became Family (Kinda)
[If you’ve listened to episode 21 of the podcast, you’ve heard Britani’s side of our story. This is my perspective, both sides are 100% true.]
How We Met
I think it’s safe to say that making friends as a child is much easier than as an adult.
We met in 10th-grade French class. Literally, the only reason we became friends is that she asked. Seriously. She randomly just popped up and was like, “wanna be best friends?”
I was a little confused because this was a random individual asking to be best friends with some random dude she JUST met. But considering a lot of the best genuine relationships I’ve ever had usually had a stupid or bland origin story, I rolled with it and said, “sure.”
Mind you, at this point in my life (still in high school BTW), I didn’t have much self-worth, boundaries, or self-esteem. So I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into.
And at the time, I got myself into A LOT…
How Things Started
Britani admitted in the podcast episode that she’s responsible for our bond starting off really badly. Every time I tried to take one step forward in our friendship, she’d take like 30 steps back. She was focused on all the (toxic) attention she got from her then relationship and constantly pushed me away.
Yet, because she asked me to be her best friend, I kept doing all the things I thought a best friend should do:
- Check in pretty frequently to make sure they’re okay
- Try to hang out a lot
- Make good or funny memories
And none of that was reciprocated. So why did I stick around? I’ll explain in detail later but to summarize: I was desperate. This wasn’t a genuine relationship, but I kept fighting for it for no valid reason.
How Things Got Better
I kept tanking rejection after rejection, time and time again. Continuously being an afterthought to someone who was often at the forefront of my mind.
As months passed, I slowly learned to love myself better, and I gave less of my attention to her. Instead, I gave more of it to people who reciprocated it. That caused some tension between us at times.
I was pushed away so much that she ALMOST successfully pushed me away forever.
[Bruh, I feel so cringe actually admitting this story publicly…]
But RIGHT before I was about to cut her out of my life, she began what ended up being one of the most AGGRESSIVE 180s I’ve ever seen.
She went from:
- Dismissing my existence to bugging me (in a good way) all the time
- Never being available to being someone I see once a week (and I’m not even sure if that’s an exaggeration)
- Constantly flaking to being the primary plan maker
- Being a crappy person to making me worry that I’m falling short
How Things Are Now
When I say an aggressive 180, I mean it.
Before, all my efforts to hang out were ignored. From college onwards, we’re constantly doing something, even if it’s as simple as laughing at the stupid ways people die in scary movies. The older and more adult-y we got, we’ve even made it a thing to take what we call sibling trips: an at-minimum annual trip to somewhere big, far, or new.
Our beyond-genuine relationship is so strong that travel therapy is one of our main ways of mentally resetting from the chaos of life.
We weren’t that mature of individuals in high school, but as years passed, all I can say is forget taking one step forward. I will happily give Britani her flowers and say she took one MILLION steps forward to become someone I can truly say is:
- A safe space to be vulnerable if I ever needed
- Someone I can keep it real with without getting much backlash
- Family, as in she outranks blood family
- A truly strong demonstration of the sister I’ve never had
Secret 1: Be Genuine to Yourself
Disclaimer: our brother/sisterhood is our story. DO NOT try to mimic our journey AT ALL. It may have worked out well for us, but I promise you it will not work well for you.
The main reason is that when we first met, I didn’t know how to be genuine to myself. And honestly, I never really did until junior year of college.
Although I stuck to most of my values, I overextended myself numerous times just to receive what I thought was attention. Even in our story, I continually pushed to exist in her life during a time she didn’t seem to want me in it (from my lens), all because I wanted to honor the “best friend” title.
If you want to find genuine relationships, start by having a genuine relationship with yourself first.
What a Genuine Relationship With Yourself Looks Like
From my experience in all kinds of relationships, you can’t properly show love to others if you can’t truly show love to yourself.
The first way to do that is to ensure that you’re meeting most of your needs without relying on someone else to meet them for you. For example, I used to ignore myself mentally and emotionally to gain others’ attention and approval. Doing this made me lose sight of who I was. Therefore, it was hard to see which of my genuine relationships were.
Another way is to find happiness in the things that make you you. I like to write music, but I never really made time to because I spent too much time trying to impress others. But I made time to do so once I focused more on my needs and wants. Fun fact: I made it a priority to take a songwriting class as part of my minor in music during college.
When you establish a genuine relationship with yourself, you can better tell when connecting with someone feels disingenuous.
Secret 2: Establish and Stick to Your Boundaries
To summarize this point: don’t push yourself to the side for the sake of attention or companionship.
Something Britani and I did in our individual lives was do things we shouldn’t do just to get attention/”friends” when we knew better.
Establish boundaries so that when you do come across a potential relationship, you’ll know if it’s genuine if they respect whatever boundaries you set.
Additionally, stick to the batteries you set and let others see it. Anyone who sees you putting your boundaries into practice and respects them is likely to be a genuine person to let into your life.
Establishing “you” is a first step not only to a healthy bond, but also to an emotionally well person. While this isn’t the easiest thing to do, challenging your inner barriers is key to ingenuity.
Secret 3: Surround Yourself With Like-Minded Individuals
To continue my earlier point, be around people who also set and stick to their boundaries. Just as you shouldn’t be a pushover to befriend someone, also be careful of someone who is a pushover themselves.
Of course, they may not know much better than I didn’t back in the day, so use discernment with this advice. People-pleasers may have unresolved trauma or mental struggles that prevent them from being a contender for a genuine relationship. I speak from the experience of being one.
Like-minded individuals will not be perfect at any point. But the desire and effort to grow, get better, and get back up when they fall are the kind of people you should surround yourself with.
Where to Find Like-Minded Individuals
Let’s go back to the comment I made about self-ingenuity. By not neglecting yourself and your interests, you’re hopefully making time to participate in your hobbies.
Whatever those hobbies are, be a little public about them. For example, if you enjoy painting, then go to art clubs or paint and sips. If you enjoy certain genres of music, go to concerts or clubs that play what you like to listen to.
You’ll have a good chance of finding people with similar interests in environments where people are doing the things that you enjoy doing. It then just takes you getting out of your comfort zone and interacting. From there, you can use the advice you received earlier to see if this could be a potential genuine relationship.
Secret 4: Discern if Someone Drains or Fills You
A requirement of healthy genuine relationships (in my opinion) is that it brings you fulfillment. For example, in the early stages of my bond with Britani, one would say that it was draining. Our present-day bond is extremely opposite; now it’s a kind of bond that every link-up causes some kind of “feel good”, even when it’s a short 5-minute meet-up.
Now I’m not saying you’ll find that borderline sibling dynamic that the two of us have (so don’t go in with that expectation). I am saying that when you interact with someone, and you feel satisfied as a result of interacting with them, that’s a good sign of a potentially genuine relationship.
However, if things feel one-sided or your energy feels drained when you interact with this person, don’t force yourself to keep interacting with them for the sake of companionship. Protect your energy, mind, and spirit with every new interaction.
Genuine Relationships Shouldn’t be Hard, but Also Shouldn’t be Rushed
I hope you found some inspiration reading about the history of our “siblingship”. But remember: this was a unicorn story.
Your journey to finding genuine relationships will not (and should not) look like ours. It’ll take time, patience, understanding yourself, and a strong ability to examine others’ intentions.
I’m aware that’s easier said than done. But just take things one step forward; no need to rush into anything. Take your time with the process, and you’ll slowly but surely find your people.
